


scenes from a post-retirement life

by saddestboner



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Embedded Images, Epistolary, Gen, Image Heavy, Now Accessible to the Visually Impaired!, Screen Reader Friendly, Silly, Social Media, Transcript Included, Twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-19 21:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13132989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddestboner/pseuds/saddestboner
Summary: @ithrow88I threw 88...... Retired





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fadeastride](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadeastride/gifts).



> [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/fadeastride/profile)[**fadeastride**](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/fadeastride/) said: "Talk to me about Danny coming to terms with retirement. Bonus points for Noah Lowry's involvement." Well, he does come to terms with his retirement, in a way... And there _is_ a Noah Lowry sighting!
> 
> Thanks to [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/blastellanos/profile)[**blastellanos**](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/blastellanos/) for looking this over!

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

  


* * *

  
  


* * *

  
  


* * *

* * *

  


* * *

  
  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


* * *

  



	2. Text Transcript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally got around to typing up a transcript for people with screen-readers.

@ithrow88: Ok, first tweet I guess..my favorite things are guacamole, Pinot Noir, and long walks on the beach…. Be nice.  
12:43 AM - 8 Sept 2014

* * *

@ithrow88: Well hell yea……I finish as exactly a .200 career hitter.  
6:44 PM - 4 Oct 2015

* * *

@ithrow88: really glad i never had to face aaron judge  
7:34 PM - 13 Sept 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: @Dodgers this is what you get for not putting me on the postseason roster  
1:38 AM - 2 Nov 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: @Angels a little birdie told me you’re in need of a fifth starter  
2:43 PM - 11 Nov 2017

@Angels: @ithrow88 The door’s always open for you, Dan. [kissy face emoji]  
2:50 PM - 11 Nov 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: @Max_Scherzer give me a shout out in your hall of fame speech and i’ll love you forever  
9:19 AM - 15 Nov 2017

@Max_Scherzer: @ithrow88 As long as you don’t forget me when you get inducted into the Tweeter Hall of Fame!  
10:39 AM - 15 Nov 2017

@ithrow88: @Max_Scherzer this kind of comes off as a backhanded compliment  
11:04 AM - 15 Nov 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: my wife bought me socks. merry Christmas to me.  
8:19 AM - 25 Dec 2017

@Max_Scherzer: You can’t say that and not share a picture.  
8:44 AM - Dec 2017

@ithrow88: @Max_Scherzer is this your roundabout way of asking for feet pics?  
9:11 AM - 25 Dec 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: got heem (cc: @Max_Scherzer)  
[attached screenshot of the following text message conversation]  
10:37 AM - 25 Dec 2017

Monday 9:56 AM  
Max Scherzer: fuck you!!  
Dan Haren: lol  
Dan Haren: you deserved that  
Max Scherzer: Your gonna post this convo on twitter aren’t you??  
Dan Haren: yep

* * *

@MikeTrout: #FlyEaglesFly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
3:42 PM - 25 Dec 2017

@ithrow88: @MikeTrout i have no idea what this means  
4:11 PM - 25 Dec 2017

* * *

@ithrow88: hope you all have someone to kiss when the ball drops  
11:50 PM - 31 Dec 2017

@Max_Scherzer: [three thinking emojis]  
11:54 PM - 31 Dec 2017

@weave1036: @ithrow88 @Max_Scherzer I think someone has a little to much time on his hand’s! Glad to see retirements treating you well, Dan!  
7:19 AM - 1 Jan 2018

@ithrow88: @weave1036 @Max_Scherzer don’t be jealous, your ball will drop someday.  
8:13 AM - 1 Jan 2018

* * *

@ithrow88: arugula  
kale  
cranberry juice  
ripe bananas cashews  
swiss cheese  
2 dozen eggs  
bacon  
cherry tomatos  
vodka  
12:34 PM - 3 Dec 2018

* * *

@ithrow88: who wants barry zito stories  
11:51 AM - 13 Jun 2019

@hustonstreet: @ithrow88 I do!  
11:53 AM - 13 Jun 2019

@ithrow88: @hustonstreet you were there for some of these actually  
12:09 PM - 13 Jun 2019

@ithrow88: so this particular zito story involves a pint of fireball, a length of rubber tubing, stainless steel cutlery, twelve stiches, and a trip to the emergency room (1/14)  
12:13 PM - 13 Jun 2019

@ithrow88: … and that’s the story of how zito almost killed a guy. (14/14)  
2:01 PM - 13 Jun 2019

@glaciallyslow: @ithrow88 Is Zito okay with you telling this story?  
2:16 PM - 13 Jun 2019

@ithrow88: @glaciallyslow yeah this story was shared with the express written consent of barry zito  
2:22 PM - 13 Jun 2019

* * *

@Noah_Lowry: @ithrow88 Hi Dan, long time no see!  
10:15 AM - 4 Apr 2020

@ithrow88: @Noah_Lowry i look like a hobo and you look like you stepped off a runway. Life isn’t fair.  
11:22 AM - 4 Apr 2020

* * *

@ithrow88: i have the best wife. happy 40th birthday to me! [attached photo of Dan and his wife posing together at a fancy restaurant]  
9:55 PM - 17 Sept 2020

@hustonstreet: @ithrow88 Have a blessed birthday, Dan!  
10:03 PM - 17 Sept 2020

@str8edgeracer: @ithrow88 Hope it’s a good one, bro.  
10:11 PM - 17 Sept 2020

@fadeastride: @ithrow88 Happy birthday!  
11:21 PM - 17 Sept 2020

@weave1036: @ithrow88 I think I like this pic better [attached photo of Dan and Jered Weaver attending a basketball game together]  
11:39 PM - 17 Sept 2020

@ithrow88: thanks for the birthday wishes everyone. had a great night with the love of my life, @weave1036. oh yeah, and my wife was there too.  
1:04 PM - 18 Sept 2020

* * *

@Noah_Lowry: @ithrow88 Happy belated 40th, buddy. Hope it was a good one. We’ll have to hook up when I’m in town later this month!  
5:48 PM - 18 Sept 2020

@ithrow88: @Noah_Lowry phrasing  
6:14 PM - 18 Sept 2020

@Noah_Lowry: @ithrow88 Shut up, Danny.  
6:29 PM - 18 Sept 2020

@ithrow88: @Noah_Lowry [three winking emojis]  
7:04 PM - 18 Sept 2020

* * *

@ithrow88: i regret to inform you that i was not voted into the baseball hall of fame  
11:29 PM - 22 Nov 2020 

@Max_Scherzer: @ithrow88 Who do I complain to about this travesty?  
11:49 PM - 22 Nov 2020

@ithrow88: @Max_Scherzer stand down. i appreciate the support though.  
12:13 AM - 23 Nov 2020

* * *

@justinverlander: Happy to be back in #Detroit!! Can’t wait to bring a World Series to the great @Tigers fans!!!!  
9:14 PM - 14 Jan 2021

@ithrow88: @justinverlander @tigers put a shirt on  
10:14 PM - 14 Jan 2021

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


End file.
